I was at Wal-Mart Saturday to buy a power strip. I was meandering through the towel aisle when a woman asked if I knew where the children's towels were. I admitted I didn't know anything about children's towels, thinking something larger than fingertip but smaller than bath. Apparently they are full size with cute appliques. I commented it had been a long time since I'd had a child to buy for, and she said something about future grandchildren. Now there's where I made the mistake. I should have just smiled and nodded. Instead out of my mouth comes "I won't be a grandmother." A look of "oh my, what have I said" crossed her face. So I quickly added, "My daughter decided a long time ago not to have children." Something about surely not. But I assured her I had had about 15 years to come to terms with that reality. She murmured something sympathetic and we parted. I think I made it about 5 steps before my eyes totally welled up with tears. At least I didn't burst out sobbing in linens.
I had such wonderful grandmothers, both who passed by the time I was 20. I still miss them very much. I had been looking forward to being a grandmother since DD was in junior high. I even started a cross stitch Peter Rabbit quilt way back then. Twenty-five years later, those stitched pieces still sit in a plastic bag waiting in vain to be turned into a special grandchild quilt. Learning that DD didn't plan on ever having children was like taking a good hunk of what I thought and planned my future life would be and applying a hatchet to it.
I would have made a wonderful grandmother.
I thought I had, but obviously I've never really come to terms with it.
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