I was at Wal-Mart Saturday to buy a power strip. I was meandering through the towel aisle when a woman asked if I knew where the children's towels were. I admitted I didn't know anything about children's towels, thinking something larger than fingertip but smaller than bath. Apparently they are full size with cute appliques. I commented it had been a long time since I'd had a child to buy for, and she said something about future grandchildren. Now there's where I made the mistake. I should have just smiled and nodded. Instead out of my mouth comes "I won't be a grandmother." A look of "oh my, what have I said" crossed her face. So I quickly added, "My daughter decided a long time ago not to have children." Something about surely not. But I assured her I had had about 15 years to come to terms with that reality. She murmured something sympathetic and we parted. I think I made it about 5 steps before my eyes totally welled up with tears. At least I didn't burst out sobbing in linens.
I had such wonderful grandmothers, both who passed by the time I was 20. I still miss them very much. I had been looking forward to being a grandmother since DD was in junior high. I even started a cross stitch Peter Rabbit quilt way back then. Twenty-five years later, those stitched pieces still sit in a plastic bag waiting in vain to be turned into a special grandchild quilt. Learning that DD didn't plan on ever having children was like taking a good hunk of what I thought and planned my future life would be and applying a hatchet to it.
I would have made a wonderful grandmother.
I thought I had, but obviously I've never really come to terms with it.
5 comments:
My heart broke a little for you, Linda. My little guy is only 2, but to be honest, I already think about being a grandma and having a granddaughter to pass on cross stitch and knitting too.
I hope you are okay, and I do hoe that there is some sort of outlet for your grandmotherly-ness. Charities? Friends' grandchildren or children? Volunteer work? Something that makes you happy.
I felt so sad for you. I learned when I was 17 I would never have children and since then my younger siblings have been childless. My dear Mother would have been a loving and wonderful grandmother and it breaks my heart every day that she watches her siblings with their grandchildren. I firmly believe it is all in God's hands. So sorry for your moment of sadness, I will send a prayer to heaven for you. Hugs, Sandi Jo in kc
My sister once suggested I could be an extra grandmother to growing number (now 6) of grandchildren, but their families have very busy lives and I may see them 3 or 4 times a year. They each already have 4 or 6 sets of grandparents (remarriage, etc), and if more than one of the 6 kids even knows how (or even if) I am related, much less my name, I would be GREATLY surprised. They are cute and well-mannered kids, but they don't have time in their lives for me.
My sister recently mailed me a copy of a news article looking for part-time grandparents (an hour or so a week) to participate in some social program. I'm afraid I was rather snippy and told her I didn't have the patience for children any more. (Not to mention the long drive in an old car.) Who knows what the real truth of that reaction was? I'm pretty sure I don't.
My heart hurts for you, for Sandi Jo and LindaMc. And myself.
From high school on I wanted children. Loads of children. The house were all the neighborhood kids hang out. It wasn't to be. I only got pregnant once and lost the baby within 3 months. Actually I didn't even know I was pregnant until I was miscarrying.
I have since have had a complete hysterectomy because of uterian (sp) cancer. No kids, no grandkids. When I think I'm through with it or have come to turns I run into something like you experienced. But also it can be a book I'm reading or a movie or TV show that triggers the tears and the sadness. I think it will always be there.
I'm also like Linda, I use the excuse of not being used to kids being around etc to get out of family gatherings. I think its a way to keep me sane. Who knows.
Keli
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